Tonight, for the second time in my life, I attended a professional sporting event. This one was basketball. Now, while there are many things I am good at, understanding sports is not one of them. I am baffled as to how any person can look at the random activity that is sports and comprehend what is being done. Players run around and scuffle, a ball shoots into the air, the people around me cheer or groan, and I have no idea why. It’s like the other observers have a superpower that I lack. But my husband was given suite tickets at work, and because he loves me very much he chose to take me as his plus-one.
These are my observations.
1. It’s mostly advertisements and random flashes of light.
2. I see a Canadian flag.
3. There’s a guy at the stadium (if stadium is the word I want) who has a very important job. Whenever one of the players decides to lie down on the court, this man runs out immediately afterwards with a huge Swiffer mop and mops up the sweaty spot. This is to prevent players from slipping on the sweat and getting hurt. We are talking about a simply enormous Swiffer mop with a weirdly round head. I hope they are paying that guy well because he really hustles.
4. There is a long counter thing running the length of the court. The front of this has advertisements, and every so often these change out. People are sitting behind this counter. Greg tells me that they are sportscasters. Probably they have lots of equipment stowed beneath that counter, and the counter is just there to make things look nice…or used to be. Now the space is used to display corporate logos for Valero and such. This is an example of “ad creep.”
5. The team we are watching is the San Antonio Spurs, but their costumed mascot is a coyote. This is because a spur would be difficult to make into a personable and appealing anthropomorphic character.
6. The coyote briefly dressed up in a Batman suit, because Halloween. He actually had a specially made batmask that fit over his ears and a batsuit with a cutout for his tail and everything.
7. Later he dressed up as a mummy. Because Halloween.
8. Some random audience member in a Spiderman suit did some Michael Jackson dancing to the Thriller music, because Halloween, and got put on screen. My husband tells me this segment would not be televised due to the crotch-grabbing.
9. Beetlejuice is here. I read they’re going to do a sequel to that movie. Why?
10. Earlier they showed some of the players on the screen. I’m pretty sure one of them was Tom Brady.
11. The cheerleaders put on zombie outfits, because Halloween. I think they were responsible for coming up with these on their own because they were so individualized. Apparently when you turn zombie your hair gets really big.
12. “Wonderwall” by Oasis was playing for a while, and then suddenly a song by a-ha was playing instead, and then the two were playing simultaneously in a bizarre meld that could not have been accidental. Seriously. Same tempo, same time signature, synchronized in the measures and relative phrasing. I can think of no good reason why this was done.
13. There aren’t really very many players on a basketball team.
14. Greg says San Antonio is winning.
15. This would be a terrible experience for someone prone to seizures induced by flashing lights. I’m glad I got my headaches out of the way earlier in the week.
16. A baseball game is showing on TVs in the restaurant area, and people are watching it. ???
17. The coyote has an exclamation point in addition to a numeral on his jersey. I can think of no function for this aberrant punctuation.
18. A crazy bald guy in a flamboyant outfit keeps going onto the court and screaming at the crowd. He appears to be a sort of master of ceremonies. I could see him being played by a young Ricardo Montalban.
19. With only a few minutes left in the game and the Spurs winning by fifty points or so, some audience members are actually getting up and shuffling out of the stadium. I think it is impolite to demonstrate so little interest in the proceedings.
20. The sportscasters wasted no time with their post-game analysis, if post-game analysis is the term I want. In the parking lot after the game we heard a guy on the radio asking, “Will the Spurs go 82 and 0?” Ha ha! This was not a serious inquiry. No one really goes 82 and 0. Greg told me so.
21. My husband is a terrific guy.